This might be a long one... I'm embarrassed to even write it but I'm hoping it may help to get all my feelings out, and possibly will help someone else.
First of all, a facebook post I made a few months ago after learning of the loss of a police officer I knew of:
"All the tragedy that has happened lately is really weighing on my heart. I had a breakdown when I took a load of Buddy's uniforms out of the dryer tonight. What if I could never wash them again? What if I could never see him walk through the door with that smile on his face saying "Hey sweetheart"..just the thought is almost more than I can stand. I am incredibly blessed but I know my life could change in a second. Praying for my husband and his brothers in blue tonight and all the family and friends of the fallen officer. I hope I never have to know that pain. God be with them."
I have the thought several times a day that it could be the last time I see or talk to my husband. Something could happen to any of us at any time, and I have always been one that realizes that, but for some reason, it crosses my mind so often now. I know it has a lot to do with his job being more dangerous than most, knowing a police officer dies in the line of duty every 53 hours, and also just having such a perfect husband, which I never expected to have, so I feel like something is going to happen. Life can't possibly stay this wonderful forever, right?
I don't think I could possibly love Buddy more than I do, yet every day I fall more in love with him. He is absolutely the most wonderful, sweet, giving, kind, loving, hard-working man I've ever known. I really try to cherish every second with him. I could stare at his face all day and just breathe him in. So here's where my problem comes in: Even thinking about all these things daily, I still get SO mad and irritated at the smallest things. I realize everyone's spouse does things that irritate them, that's just life, but I don't want to live our lives this way. Every time he leaves a glass on the nightstand, or throws his clothes BESIDE the laundry basket, etc. I get so angry, then 1 minute later I feel terrible for griping at him and think how much I would miss seeing those things if he weren't here anymore. It's a constant cycle that is making me insane! I am working so hard to get it under control and really "not sweat the small stuff". Life really is too short. I have a husband that loves me so much, is crazy about me no matter how I look or what I do, that I can trust, and that I love more than I ever knew was possible. It doesn't really matter about a glass or some clothes. What matters is cherishing every second the Lord blesses us by allowing us to be together here on earth, and then in Heaven. What matters is being thankful every time I get to clean up his messes because so many wives don't have that luxury anymore.
So baby, next time I freak out over the smallest little thing, just know that I will immediately regret it and that you are my life, my heart, my everything. I love you more than words can say and I promise I will keep working on my faults. Thank you for loving me when I'm not easy to love. You have my heart forever.
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